Lately Doug has been spending his weekends target shooting.  Yesterday we were surveying the post-Christmas-morning scene, which looked like someone just threw up Santa’s workshop all over our house, when Anna’s walker started to go off.  “Soy el mono. Deseo un paseo. Vamonos!”

“Let me take it with me,” Doug said.  “It would make a perfect target.  ‘Soy el gato. Con cuidado!’  Bang!”  (Note: gibberish replaced with actual Spanish)

“Don’t you dare,” I said, practically throwing my body in front of it.  “Anna loves that walker!”

But after he left, it occurred to me there are plenty of other toys I wouldn’t mind donating to his cause.  May I present to you the top 10 most annoying toys that should be blasted to kingdom come:

#10:  Toys that continue to speak long after the child stops playing with them.  “Are you still there? … Press a button to play! … (cymbal, bells, coo-coo clock and gong-crashing sound effects) … Please, press one of my buttons! …”

#9:  Creepy dolls are bad enough when their eyes move with you as you walk across the room.  Some of them have the added feature of lips puckered up and ready for a bottle—and wind up looking like blow-up dolls instead.  Pucker up, freaky blow-up doll with murderous, roving eyeballs.  It’s time to meet your maker.

#8:  Toys that amplify children’s already piercing vocals.  Rock Star Mickey Mouse microphone, that means you.

#7:  Stuffed animals who sing the same song over and over when you squeeze its belly, hands or feet.  This year’s perpetrator: a teddy bear duo that sings Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe.” Over and over again.  As many times as the children would like to hear it.

#6:  Clowns.  Not that I personally have a problem with them.  But millions of people are inflicted with at least some degree of coulrophobia, a documented fear of clowns.  Why not market Acrophobia Doll, which comes with a model building with ledge?  Or perhaps, Claustrophobia Doll—model closet with no windows included?  You get the idea.

#5:  Toys that humanize produce.  Say your prayers, Mr. Potato Head.

#4:  Toys that come in pieces: puzzles pieces, barn animals, mini chairs, tables, beds and cradles, cards, people, marbles, dice, checkers, Playdoh shapers, stickers, oogly eyes, little arms, feet, glasses and hats, wheels, blocks, Legos and a million plastic balls—everywhere you’d care to step. Ready…aim…kaboom!

#3:  Toys designed for the hearing impaired.  This toy comes with but one volume setting: eardrum shatter-sonic.  Your child will always pick it up when you’ve let your guard down—and there is no way to turn it off with your nails imbedded in the ceiling.

#2:  Puzzles with sound effects.  These puzzles contain sensors to make animal sounds when they sense the correct piece has been put in place.  In our case, the frog is missing—and every time the light goes on or off, the effing thing croaks.  Throw something over it, and it croaks to the vibration of your footsteps.  The only way to stop it is to take out its battery, but you need a miniature Phillips head screwdriver to do it, which you’ll find just as soon as you get around to picking up all those mother-effing pieces all over the floor.

#1:  The Elf on a Shelf.  Not that I have one.  But I’ve seen the pictures of yours.

Happy New Year to you all…hope your 2011 goes out with a bang!

#10.  We give them the go-ahead to sit on the laps of strange old men with untamed facial hair and beg for toys.

#9:  Bad news for the cat: we insist it is possible for furry creatures without wings to fly.

#8:  We tell them their toys were made by midget slaves who toil away in Santa’s sweat—err, ugh, workshop, who then wrap said toys in plastic and stamp them with the word “Mattel.”

#7:  We prop creepy, shifty-eyed elves on our shelves to keep the children in line under the threat of espionage.

#6:  We teach them that good deeds are rewarded by material possessions. We then spend the next eleven months chastising them for being greedy, spoiled little snot-nosed brats.

#5:  We threaten them through lyrics to disturbing Christmas carols: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…he knows when you’re awake…”

#4.  We warn them that smoking kills. Then we build a snowman with them and stick a pipe in its mouth.

#3:  The verdict’s always in by New Year’s: Santa likes the rich kids better.

#2: We remain vaguely enigmatic as to why Santa always blows off their Jewish and Muslim friends.

#1.  We screw with their budding understanding of metaphysics by insisting an out-of-shape, two hundred-something-year-old man can circle the globe in a single night on a sled, stopping along to way to cram his ass down roughly 500 million chimneys.

Merry Christmas, little ones…and may all your wishes come true.

Full bellies, great conversation, rambunctious family fun, and lots to be thankful for this year.  At one point, we asked, where was Anna?

A search party was dispatched, and mystery solved…Clover the dog found herself a new roommate.