#10. We give them the go-ahead to sit on the laps of strange old men with untamed facial hair and beg for toys.
#9: Bad news for the cat: we insist it is possible for furry creatures without wings to fly.
#8: We tell them their toys were made by midget slaves who toil away in Santa’s sweat—err, ugh, workshop, who then wrap said toys in plastic and stamp them with the word “Mattel.”
#7: We prop creepy, shifty-eyed elves on our shelves to keep the children in line under the threat of espionage.
#6: We teach them that good deeds are rewarded by material possessions. We then spend the next eleven months chastising them for being greedy, spoiled little snot-nosed brats.
#5: We threaten them through lyrics to disturbing Christmas carols: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…he knows when you’re awake…”
#4. We warn them that smoking kills. Then we build a snowman with them and stick a pipe in its mouth.
#3: The verdict’s always in by New Year’s: Santa likes the rich kids better.
#2: We remain vaguely enigmatic as to why Santa always blows off their Jewish and Muslim friends.
#1. We screw with their budding understanding of metaphysics by insisting an out-of-shape, two hundred-something-year-old man can circle the globe in a single night on a sled, stopping along to way to cram his ass down roughly 500 million chimneys.
Merry Christmas, little ones…and may all your wishes come true.