Stationed at the entrance of Stop & Shop today was an elderly man collecting for the American Red Cross, As he stood there in the freezing cold ringing that bell and smiling through three layers of scarves, I had to stop. Fishing around for singles in a purse that Anna dissected all over the kitchen floor moments before, all I now had was a $10 bill. (Well, maybe it wasn’t my ten dollars. Technically, everything in my purse is property of the Bank of America.) Bursting with the spirit of Christmas and good will toward men, I stuffed that whole $10 bill in the donation box anyway, and I felt good about it. After all, the CEO of the Red Cross has a family to feed, too.
Not cool, Disney.
After the UPS guy dropped off a package on our front porch…
Tyler: “Look, Mama, the man in the brown truck brought me another present!”
Me: “It’s not a present. That’s for me.”
Tyler: “What is it?”
Me: “Computer parts. Mine is broken.”
Tyler: “It’s a really big box.”
Me: “The computer has a LOT of parts.”
Tyler: “It has Mickey Mouse ears on it!”
Me: “That’s not Mickey Mouse. It’s a mouse for a computer. It’s a symbol.”
Tyler: “It says ‘Disney store’ on it!”
Me: “Dammit! Who taught you how to read?”
Eva (lunging at the box): Look, Mama! It’s Tinkerbell’s shadow!
Me: DON’T OPEN THAT!
The next holiday challenge: how to inflict amnesia on the children before they open all that is Phineas, Nemo, Toy Story and Winnie the Pooh come Christmas morning.
Walt Disney Co., I thank you for your discretion.
The Top 10 Ways We Mess With Our Kids’ Heads During the Holiday Season
#10. We give them the go-ahead to sit on the laps of strange old men with untamed facial hair and beg for toys.
#9: Bad news for the cat: we insist it is possible for furry creatures without wings to fly.
#8: We tell them their toys were made by midget slaves who toil away in Santa’s sweat—err, ugh, workshop, who then wrap said toys in plastic and stamp them with the word “Mattel.”
#7: We prop creepy, shifty-eyed elves on our shelves to keep the children in line under the threat of espionage.
#6: We teach them that good deeds are rewarded by material possessions. We then spend the next eleven months chastising them for being greedy, spoiled little snot-nosed brats.
#5: We threaten them through lyrics to disturbing Christmas carols: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…he knows when you’re awake…”
#4. We warn them that smoking kills. Then we build a snowman with them and stick a pipe in its mouth.
#3: The verdict’s always in by New Year’s: Santa likes the rich kids better.
#2: We remain vaguely enigmatic as to why Santa always blows off their Jewish and Muslim friends.
#1. We screw with their budding understanding of metaphysics by insisting an out-of-shape, two hundred-something-year-old man can circle the globe in a single night on a sled, stopping along to way to cram his ass down roughly 500 million chimneys.
Merry Christmas, little ones…and may all your wishes come true.
Do this now.
For those of you with one or more kids little enough to deceive, go to portablenorthpole.tv/home. It’ll take you ten minutes to answer a few questions and download three pics for each child, and Santa will send a personalized video email in return. When your kids see this video, you will have to scrape their faces off the computer screen with a spatula.