After decades of grappling over signs, directions and shampoo bottles, it’s finally happened. We’ve gone and learned too much Spanish. In response, the warning on my kid’s Jump-o-lene comes in 25 languages, from French to Swahili. It’s like a modern-day Tower of Babel conspiracy, and I’m not sure who’s behind it—the Government or Toys “R” Us. We will get to the bottom of it, de un modo u otro.
As long as there are midnight feedings in this house, inevitably, there will be infomercials. Last night’s presentation featured a supplement called “Colon Flow.” At first I was a bit disconcerted by the name, but then I decided it’s brilliant, and should appear in at least five more facets of our daily lives:
(1) in the subject bar of all political and religious forwards;
(2) as a streamer across “The Hartford Courant”;
(3) on every banner, button and campaign sign during election year;
(4) across the top of middle school students’ homework, which they completed at home, by themselves and to the best of their ability; and
(5) on the head of every Comcast bill, whose $99 a month promotion, after taxes, actually comes out to $143.57.
Thus concludes this portion of “Colon Flow”…don’t forget to flush!
Our neighbors across the street have two Basset Hounds named Bill and Hillary. Hillary has all the balls, and Bill just sits around all day licking his. I’m not making any kind of political statement here. Just an observation.
Hauling the garbage and recycling bins to the curb, I recalled a conversation between me and Doug.
“How could you forget to take out the trash AGAIN?” I asked.
“How was I supposed to know there was pickup on Columbus Day?” he shrugged.
“Because there’s a schedule right on the refrigerator? And if you still—you know what? Forget it. From now on, I TAKE OUT THE TRASH!”
Is anyone else under the impression I’ve been had?