“America’s Funniest Home Videos” reveals the new wave in family entertainment is near-death experiences, or at the least, excruciating pain, caught on film. Case in point: an entire segment devoted to old people falling—downstairs, off bicycles, over street curbs. And at the Museum of Modern Art, a showcase of abstract expressionist paintings and the premiere of Jackass 3-D. Only in ancient Rome/ modern-day America!

The wildlife is playing Frogger as a squirrel and two chipmunks darted beneath the wheel of my minivan-turned-killing machine this month alone. Now that last week’s critter has finally blended in with the asphalt, I realize somewhere in the afterlife, I will have to do a lot of explaining to a fickle squirrel, two chipmunks, an unlucky possum, a dozen playful frogs and one very foolish bird.

Today some attorney even more intimidating than the guy in those Mark E. Salomone & Morelli commercials shook his fist at the TV camera and declared, “I sue distracted drivers!”

My first thought: finally, someone who will do what it takes to get these jackasses off the road!

My second thought: oh, crap.

Nothing makes a woman feel more desirable than running her kid’s bike past a construction crew, wind blowing through her hair Baywatch style, and leaving them staring in her wake—not because they want her number, but because she runs funny.