We all have causes we hold close to our hearts. For me, there has been a group of people long neglected. That’s why I started the AFPWLBITC—Allowances For People Without Light Bulbs In Their Closets. Our first order of business: new legislation. Please vote YES on question 1 on the ballot: “Should black and navy blue be declared a perfect match?” Next stop: legalized marriage for socks with mismatched ribbing.

Today was round two with the personal trainer. “I hope you’re going to cut me more slack than you did last week,” I told him. “I couldn’t lift a coffee cup for three days after that workout without crying. Have mercy on me. I’m old enough to be your teen mom. This isn’t the Olympics.”

We haven’t reached the sad part yet.

“What workout?” he asked. “I was just showing you how to use the equipment!”

This week I got ambitious and toured the nautilus room at the gym with a personal trainer.

“You’ve got to keep switching it up,” he advised. “Work a different set of muscles every day. Try different settings, work it at a different angle. The trick is to confuse the muscle.”

At long last, my muscles will be on the same page as the rest of me.

… When we were born, our future president was stressing over who he’d sit with in the middle school cafeteria, what he’d do without recess and how he’d remember his locker combination. Remember a time when our president was way older than us? When did we start catching up?