With our twenty-year reunion coming up this weekend, I’ve been thinking back about high school more than usual. Along with those memories came a familiar feeling I haven’t experienced in years—raw, painful, deep beneath the surface. That’s right—I am getting a zit. Not just any zit. It is right smack on the tip of my nose, as though it’s been lying in wait since Clinton was president for the most opportune moment to rear its ugly white head.

Some of you may think you’re bringing back the ‘80s with your leather fringe and Aquanet. As for me, I do nothing half ass.

The ticker to the right on Facebook makes me feel like I’m getting undressed in a fully lit room on a dark night with the blinds up in a high rise apartment in New York City overlooking Times Square on New Year’s Eve.  Is it just me?

Top models across the world are reporting that Mark Zuckerberg has a thirteen-inch penis.

If that doesn’t get me a top spot in your newsfeed, I don’t know what will.