What’s the deal with Jessica Simpson, Vanessa Williams, Avril Lavigne and other such goddesses unveiling their acne for Proactiv infomercials?  As if Bob Dole wasn’t bad enough with his Viagra, along came Jamie Lee Curtis and the Activia challenge. All I’m saying is if I was famous, I’d want to promote a product or embrace a cause I could be proud of.  What’s next, televised colonoscopies?

Wonders which disgruntled Keebler employee is hacking off the head and limbs from every last animal cracker before its packaging. Did anyone bother to run a background check on any of those elves? And by doling out the dismembered body parts to our children, are we merely breeding more psychopaths?

You all may be telling your kids to follow their hearts, but my children will have only three career paths to choose from:  master chef, masseuse, and inner city middle school teacher.  You’ll all wind up with a bunch of grown-up kids with actualized dreams, but as for me, I’ll get my meals, massages and revenge for free!