Today I kicked back with the bonbons, flicked on the TV for today’s episode of The Young and the Restless, then got angry—I’m talking write a letter to the president of CBS angry—that it was preempted by the U.S. Open Tennis. Normally, I’d deny this story at all costs. But then I thought, things could be worse. I could be the sort of person who actually watches professional tennis on TV.

While stuck behind a bus that stopped 8 times on the same street, I thought of when our bus used to pick us up at the bottom of the hill, yes, in 10-foot snow drifts. If we missed it, we merely walked back home, got the key from under our doormats, called our parents at work and waited for our ass-whoopins (insert false teeth). I propose the school board budgets for limos in next year’s door-to-door pickup. Why not?

Thirty years from now, I can see my children entering a fancy restaurant, order nice steak dinners, pick the pasta off their plates and leave the rest on the floor and table. After that, I imagine they will bang their silver on the table, order ten desserts and laugh so hard they squirt Chateauneuf du Pape out their noses.