Sometimes when I’ve feeling particularly adventuresome, I peel the “paid” sticker off my gallon of milk, covertly exit the store, and wait for a security thug to chase me to my minivan. They’ll never take me alive! I shake my fist out the window and laugh as I peel out of the parking lot. It’s such a rush that I almost drop my receipt.
My Nonsensical Thought of the Day
Somewhere in the distance, I heard a desperate scream.
After nearly tumbling down a flight of stairs and thereby breaking every limb, appendage and digit on my body, it occurred to me that there is one thing about parenting that I will never learn: children will utter “I would like a drink of water” with the same urgency as “I’ve fallen out the window and am dangling from the ledge by a toenail over a vat of hot oil teeming with child-eating piranhas.”
Heart, you may start beating again.
Thank you, stomach bug.
You haven’t bonded with your children until you’ve puked in the same bowl with them at the same time.
This is what I call sleeping on the job.
Today I was snubbed by the Walmart greeter. That’s right, I said “hi,” and she stared blankly ahead.
And you thought you were unproductive at work today.