A combination of drought and high humidity this season has taken its toll on agriculture, and our home vegetable gardens are no exception. After all of Doug’s toiling away in the garden, here is a sample of this week’s harvest.
Ladies, so that I may spare you from learning the hard way, allow me to pass along a single piece of advice: never, ever mock a man for the size of his produce.
Well, if it’s true what they say about girls and diamonds, I suppose I did.
Funny how when I’m scouring the house for a diamond, every sparkly gem and rhinestone lost from my daughters’ princess dr…ess-up kit emerges from hiding, glassy facets dancing in the light, mocking me.
Please, say a little prayer that my engagement ring will be restored. And if all else fails, that I’ll finally start getting hit on in the bars again.
Rumor has it that before each register at the Walmart in Simsbury, there are display cases of “pajama jeans,” made with a DormiSoft fabric that feels like sleepwear but with a designer look too good to be hidden under the covers, for only $39.99. Had I seen them for myself and purchased them, I might have ripped the box open, put them on, lay down on one hip like Brooke Shields and droned, “Nothi…ng comes between me and my Calvins.” A reliable source swears they feel just like a second skin with a stretchy waistband that will forgive you for every fatty morsel you ate the night before. What’s more, I have this friend who confessed that with pajama pants in her wardrobe, she could potentially roll right out of bed and drop her kids off at school wearing the same clothes she slept in, and no one would be the wiser.
I should find friends with more fashion sense than that. These people could ruin my image.
Today Anna went through eight pairs of princess underpants, and I cleaned up accidents from the following locations: the floor of every room in the house (except the bathroom), a box of Wedgits, the seat on Doug’s drum set, the kids’ room at my gym, and to add insult to injury, the shoe tray in the mudroom (where, for once, I actually put my shoes).
I think it’s safe to say Anna’s first day of potty training went straight down the crapper.