Quiet desperation: the feeling you get each time a plow truck approaches as you’re shoveling snow.

Eternal damnation: what you wish upon the driver as he barrels past you and out of sight.

Sadistic pleasure: what you just know that bastard is feeling as he glances at you in his rearview mirror.

…inspired by our neighbors directly across the street, who erected an outhouse by the roadside as their house is under construction: Be calm. Be ready. Be safe. And may every outhouse standing along the East Coast, particularly those thirty feet or less from our property, remain firmly in place.

If you should decide take a five-day hiatus from shaving, wake up to discover both legs covered with hives and rush yourself to the emergency room, the doctor inspecting your razor stubble will inevitably be young, charmingly funny, smokin’ hot and speak with an exotic accent. You’ve been warned.