Author: Merri Petrovits

Inked

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During Field Day on Friday I was ambushed and inked by a band of 10-year-old tattoo artists, who stamped me with my school’s insignia. As it turns out, this temporary tattoo isn’t as temporary as I thought it’d be.

I tried soap, a nail brush, baby oil, pumice, tape, a steel nail file and a blow torch, but alas, I still have that fresh-out-of-the-parlor look branded across my bicep.

As far as I was concerned, I still had two options left. Unfortunately, the Navy wouldn’t take me after I couldn’t complete a boy-style push-up. And the Hell’s Angels took issue with the training wheels on my Harley.

Any tips for elementary teachers going rogue are welcome.

I hear you, Mama turtle.

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The female snapping turtle digs a nest in a sunny area, and over a period of several hours, lays up to 40 ping pong ball-sized eggs. There is only a 10% chance the eggs will hatch, as most nests are destroyed by predators.

Here is a mom-to-be in our backyard, just moments after reading the results of a home pregnancy test.

It’s perfectly normal.

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Last night Tyler had his longtime friend, Shane, sleep over. Shane brought over a cherished stuffed dog, “Queso,” named after the favorite part of his last Mexican meal. It came from The Perfect Toy, he explained, sold separately from a set which included a mother dog and her litter of six puppies.

“I think there might be one pup left, if Tyler wants it,” Shane beamed. “I really wanted the mother dog, and now she’s mine!”

I looked at Queso, with her soft, bean-filled belly and floppy, brown ears, and for a fleeting moment, I was sad for this inanimate object because she was separated from her puppies, never to see them again.

Truth be told, the moment wasn’t fleeting. I’m still sad.

Jerk on, jerk ___

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Glancing at the caller ID as the phone rang today, Eva announced, “It’s just some jerkoff.”

Doug and I stared at each other. Then we stared at her.

“What did you just say?” I demanded.

“What?” she asked, her eyes wide with confusion. “That’s what Daddy always says when a telemarketer calls.”

That’ll teach Doug to dangle his prepositions.