Author: Merri Petrovits

The truth comes out.

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Today was Anna’s first confession, otherwise known as the Catholic sacrament of Reconciliation.

The Seal of Confession is the absolute duty of priests not to disclose what they learn during penance. Even parents are instructed never to ask their children what they’ve confessed. The absolution of sins is serious business, and it’s strictly confidential.

“So…wha’dja confess?” I asked Anna as she exited the booth.

“I told him that I sneaked on Roblox without your permission,” she said. “And that I ate candy when you didn’t know. That I stole chapstick out of Eva’s room, and I accidentally killed Gilbert when I threw dirty pennies in his fish bowl.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Yes. When you asked me to clean my room today, I shoved everything under my bed.”

The kid’s not dumb, I thought as I examined the tornado wreckage under her bed. Somehow she understood that sharing her confession would grant her full immunity.

This entry was posted in 7 Seven.

I knew that.

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Today I turned to one of the smartest kids in my fourth-grade class and inquired, “Keila…Rio de Janeiro. Is it the capital of Brazil or Argentina?”

(This was not on a quiz. I legitimately forgot.)

Keila froze in unforgiving horror, the last shred of respect fizzling from her stare. She shook her head sadly and said, “Mrs. Lariviere. Rio de Janiero is in Brazil. But the capital of Brasil is Brasilia.”

Some teachers find it threatening to have students who are smarter than they are. I see it as an opportunity for one less Google search.

Russian interference has never been this much fun.

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Before we invested in our first exotic pet, our family took a vote. Ballots were cast and counted. At last, the ghastly results were in.

“It was rigged!” I wailed. “A clear-cut case of voter fraud. There was a miscount. I saw Eva cast a vote on behalf of her deceased great-great grandmother. Someone bused in an entire fleet of illegal herbivores. Why do the LaRivieres up the street get a vote? They’re not even French-Canadian! Fools, all of you! Just look at what you’ve done!”

But alas, blind democracy prevailed, the results irreversible—with consequences as cataclysmic as an asteroid blotting out reptilian world domination as they knew it.

Say hello to Bonnie and Clyde, Tyler’s new Russian tortoises!